Great Video from DG on Marriage - Please Watch...

http://vimeo.com/38033654#

Stop Beating Your Spouse Over the Head with the Bible

In the life of the church, the most common weapon people use to beat up their spouse is the Bible. The husband argues with his wife (either vocally or underneath his breath - doesn't matter really), "You should be submissive to me. The Bible says so!" And the wife, if she enters into the sinful discussion, says something to the effect of, "You should love me like Christ loves the church!"

These are true statements, and biblical ones at that. But there is one slight problem with the way these commandments are often used (the above being an example). It is a shame that we sometimes use the Bible in a very unbiblical way.

Paul the apostle instructs wives to "submit to your own husbands as to the Lord." He goes on to instruct husbands, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church..." (Eph 5).

Notice, however, what he does not say. He does not say, "Wives, make sure your husbands are loving you as Christ loves the church." He does not say to the husbands, "Husbands, ensure that your wives are submitting to you as they do the Lord." This is a critical truth that makes the gospel and the Christian life distinct from all other worldviews.

In giving instruction to the wives and to the husbands themselves, the Lord is speaking to ransomed image bearers who are now free live under his rule. Christ does not give instructions to slave masters, but to redeemed sinners. And because of this, the slave is free to submit to his or her master (Col 3:22), the wife is free to submit to her husband, and the husband is free to love his wife in a Christ-like way.

This makes the home a refuge for gospel-centered freedom, instead of moralistic, religious slavery. Not only does he free us from the tyranny of others, but he also frees us from the stressful life of trying to govern others. As we obey his command to us, we trust that he will liberate the other to obey his command to them.

How Premarital Cohabitation Destroys Marriage and Distorts The Gospel

In a recent post, Glenn Stanton of The Line: Bringing Focus to the Single Years, writes about what cohabitation does for marriage.  In writing this, Stanton shows, even statistically, the many downfalls that often accompany premarital cohabitation.  While the majority of these couples, some 75% of them, see cohabitation as an aggressive step toward marriage, the reality, however, is that this decision is actually proving to be an aggressive step toward abuse and even divorce.

The many warnings from Scripture, along with the undeniable sociological statistics, should prove to be a guard and guide for singles (as well as married couples) in an over-sexualized culture.  In other words, the more we are bombarded with false depictions of the “glorious life in premarital cohabitation” via television, radio and other media, the more we need to hear the truth that those who choose to live this way are in rebellion against God, and are, in reality, relational train wrecks.  As said above, the reasons for this are ultimately theological.  Consider a few points.

First, that we may not, and should not, allow the clear distinctions between lust and love to be blurred.  A couple who decides to partake in the glories of marriage before vowing to commitment in marriage are more in lust than they are in love.  A man who decides to rebel against God in pursuing his lusts cannot possibly love the woman he is lusting after as Christ loves the church. 

Second, the bed that the couple shares in cohabitation is not the bed that they will share in marriage.  It is a common saying that lust seeks to fill the bed before the vows and then to empty it after them. Sex before marriage is nothing but selfishly taking from another individual.  This is very different from the biblical picture of sex described as two people selflessly giving to each other.  Lust is not a passive, lifeless reality; but one that is actively rebellious, desiring to kill and destroy.

Last, those who desire to have the consummation before the commitment ultimately distort the gospel.  The saying is true that “love waits.”  True, gospel-centered love, is content with the commitment that is now, and with the promised consummation that is not yet.  The life in-between is one of patient endurance, by the power of the Holy Spirit, that clings to the promise in faith and looks with great expectation to the hope that is to come.   But those who would have the consummation now communicate that there is no future hope, and that there is no Risen Christ who is trustworthy, good, and worth waiting for. 

There is a right way to become married that glorifies the Christ who both ordains it as well as communicates through it (Eph 5).  This same Christ, however, will not allow His Name to be profaned by a pseudo-union that is superficially bound by selfishness and lust.  When two people, on the other hand, commit to each other, consummate the commitment, and move forward to live in a glorious marriage, they proclaim the Lord who selflessly and sacrificially died for His Church, who will come again in the great consummation, and who will live with them forever in glory.

For All You Singles Out There...

The satisfaction that comes from knowing another individual so intimately that it would be right to call the two, one, is almost incomparable.  Being vitally committed to someone under the warm blanket of Biblical authority is quite possibly the height of human experience.  And rightly so.  It is quite possibly the most satisfying shadow that gives us the greatest glimpse of our union with Jesus Christ.

But what about those who are single?  What about the people who continually struggle with the fact that their biological clock is ticking - alone.  What can we say to them?  How does singleness fit into the Christian life where marriage is so important and satisfying?  Here are a few thoughts.

First, the Bible tells us that God's grace is sufficient for you (2 Cor 12).  Just as He is the supplier of all good things for those who are married, He is for those who are single.  If you are single, you can trust Him.  He is with you.  He knows your situation and is in control.

Second, know that your loneliness is a spiritual craving and not merely a physical one.  Simply put, don't waste your loneliness, but rather use those times to seek after the One who is ultimately satisfying.  This is more easily said than done, I understand.  However, take the first diligent step in faith.  He will reward you (Heb 11:6).  His rewards are greater than marriage.

Third, understand that marriage is a shadow and not the Substance (Col 2:17).  One day marriage will be no more.  Our hope in glory will be realized (Col 1:27).  I, along with others, get a little disappointed when thinking that marriage (and sex!) will not exist in heaven.  But our view of heaven is too small.  Heaven's pleasures and joys will so far surpass those of marriage, that they will not even be desired.

Fourth, take advantage of your freedom.  I love being married and all; but, I must say that asking permission for everything is something that I could do without (not because my wife is authoritative, but simply because if I want to leave the house, I am asking her to babysit three kids alone!).  So, don't waste your singleness.  Read like crazy!  Serve married couples (with babysitting :) like crazy!  Love like crazy!

Finally, obedience in faith, whether single or married, is the most joyful way.  Don't settle.  Don't fall into sexual sin.  It's not worth it.  Labor to be around other godly people - married and single.  Try and limit your time alone.  Do whatever it takes to fight sin in your life.  Move to a place where people bombard you and annoy the heck out of you.  You will only have to do it for a short time.  Heaven is soon approaching.  And, you never know, marriage may be just around the corner.

This post is for all of the singles I know that continue to bless my socks off by their love, service, and example.  Your struggle to remain sold out for Christ, in a culture where singleness is so difficult, inspires me.  Thank you.

This video is really good too!

A Lesson I Am Learning In Marriage

I am learning a very difficult, but extremely important lesson.  This is probably a lesson that others are learning as well, and very probably a lesson that many have learned in the past.  Are you ready?  Here it goes.

I need to listen to my wife.

There.

Profound huh?

I'm not talking about listening to her advise per se; but more along the lines of, I need to listen to how she feels about things and what she is thinking.  When she expresses concerns, I need to resist the temptation to go directly into problem solving mode. There is, however, a listening that is much more difficult for me.  And this is where the lesson is being learned.

It's when she tells me how she feels about me; and when she expresses concerns about us.  While this is going on I want to either defend myself, or, tell her that she is perceiving things incorrectly.  Simply put, my unwillingness to hear about the possibility of my own sin prevents me from loving my wife well.

If she says, for example, that she doesn't feel like I am spending enough time with her (and this is only an example), I need to resist the temptation to list all of the times that I have spent quality time with her over the past week.  Rather than trying to figure out whether she is right or wrong, I should simply hear that she feels lonely.  And instead of worrying about my own justification, I should be ready with the gospel for my wife.

I am learning that it is almost impossible to defend oneself and love someone else at the same time.  

If she is right, then listening to her provides a gracious opportunity for repentance and faith (easier said than done!).  If she is not right, then listening to her provides her with love that covers a multitude of sins.

The gospel centered "dynamic" (as someone has called it) allows us to get below the surface in our relationships.  If we know that we are justified by faith in Christ, our need to immediately fight for our own innocence becomes unnecessary.  We can hear that we are sinners, because we know that's the truth.  If someone calls me a jerk I should really take that as a complement, rather than take offense.

I am deeply grateful for this lesson.  I am also aggravatingly thankful that the Lord provides ample opportunity for me to continue the learning process.  Listening to my wife has helped me to know myself and her so much more.  And after seven years...I never knew it could be this good.

The Gospel and Engagement (720 Words)

All of life is redemptive - that is, we can look at very simple, ordinary things and view them redemptively.  Because every single one of us is created in the image of the Triune God, we have real points of contact with every single person in a variety situational contexts.  It is the ontological nature of all of life to be theological (in other words, we can look at reality and learn about God).  And it is the ontological nature of every human to worship when confronted with such revelation.

Case in point: the marriage engagement.

As a pastor in a fairly young church, I have tried to take every opportunity to show how engagements are amazing pictures of the Gospel message proclaimed throughout history.  It would not be inappropriate nor impossible to give a Biblical Theology based on the experience either.  Here are my basic points as I think through this and as I communicate it to others.

First, the slavery of dating.  You couldn't pay me enough money to enter back into the dating scene.  I'm not sure how much stress a human being can handle.  Does she like me today?  Will be be together tomorrow?  She picks her nose...crap...should we break up?  A thousand things run through the minds of dating couples, most which are answered at a single event.  Engagement.

Second, the down payment.  The transaction is highly symbolic and meant to bring a load of relief, excitement and rest.  The man shows his intent to spend the rest of his life with the woman by giving her a ring - an engagement ring.  All of her questions are answered - Does he love me?  Yes.  Does he accept me?  Yes.  Do I bring him joy?  Yes.  But there is more.  All of his questions are answered as well as she embraces his gift and places it on her finger.  Does she accept my love?  Yes.  Will she spend all of her days with me?  Yes.  A similar transaction takes place when Christ gives us His Spirit (Eph 1:13-14).

Third, the wilderness of waiting.  After the girl shows off her new ring, the work begins.  In excitement, she begins planning while the man begins preparing a home.  The busyness of this time, I think, is essential!  Idle waiting is often filled with sinful activity.  While the clock slowly ticks, our sinful nerves are prone to twitch.  My engagement was only five months; but it seemed like eternity.  It was exciting but also frustrating.  Why?  Because the wilderness is a time when we have some but not all.  We have the promise but not the consummation.  We have the "now" but also the "not yet."  Its a time of deeper intimacy; but no sex...yet!

Forth, hoping and obeying.  What makes the wilderness endurable?  Hope.  In just a short time the waiting will be over. Engagements are designed to end.  When the hope promised is more glorious than the present reality, we are more inclined and encouraged to practice obedience.  When we can see an end to the waiting, we are more willing to wait.  But if you take glorious hope away, watch obedience go with it.  Imagine an engagement with no honeymoon (no sex) and you will see an engagement with no obedience.  See a Christian with no hope and you will see a Christian with no obedience.

Finally, The Day of Consummation.  After the waiting is over, life together begins.  The honeymoon night is merely a shadow in relation to the glory one will experience in heaven.  The glory of marriage makes the engagement period seem small.  My engagement period, though long while I was there, was really just a vapor.  We look back at that short time and say, "remember when?"  And this is what heaven will be like.  We will look back and say, "Remember when?" The glory of heaven is worth the obedience and endurance of waiting.  Temptations are short lived.  The pleasures they offer pale in comparison to the joys and pleasures at the right hand of God.

Christ, our Bridegroom delivered us from the slavery of singleness (alienation from God).  He placed the Spirit in our hearts (the ring).  He placed the hope before us (the promised consummation).  And we eagerly and obediently await His glorious return (the Great Wedding Day).

How A Woman Set Me Free From Porn

It was about five and a half years ago.  I sat on the couch looking at my wife.  I had something to tell her.  I felt as if there was a war going on inside of me.  I would almost vocalize when every involuntary protective measure retaliated, full-force, to stop me.  It was awful.

For the first year of our marriage, I took great pride in my ability to wake up early, before she did, to study my Bible.  Day after day, I read and read and read.  But there was a wall.  My prayers were seemingly hindered.  I had something to tell my wife.  It was like the Lord was telling me to leave worship to make things right.  I resolved that day that I would.  Again, it was awful.

So, we were sitting there, after dinner if I remember correctly.  Inside, however, I felt as if I was standing on the edge of a great confessional cliff.  There is fire down there you know.  One more step and I was sure to take an eternal plunge.  My death by exposure was inevitable.  At first, I could only cough.  But it was enough to get her attention.  She asked me if I had something to say.

This was the most dreadful moment of my life.  My affair with pornography, though secretly kept from her eyes, was producing noticeable fruit in our marriage - strife, frustration, condemnation, lack of sexual desire, and a host of other things.  Dragging this sin out of its dark closet was more strenuous than I could have ever imagined.  But His grace was sufficient for me.  I told her just how awful I was.

For the next hour, she wept.  Her voice was filled with righteous anger, hurt and sorrow.  I had never seen another person hurt so much because of my sin.  I had stepped off of the cliff.  I was falling to the bottom.  But I didn't care.  My apparent death paled in comparison to the dying that I was watching right in front of me.  She felt awful.

And then it happened.  She came and sat close to me.  As she looked at me, my falling went into slow motion.  And when she embraced me with tearful forgiveness, I felt safely broken.  Because she wept, I could tell that she loved me.  And because she forgave, it was obvious that she loved Another.  That was the first time I physically felt justification by faith.  It was amazing.  I will never be the same.

My deepest sin was keeping me from understanding the deepest love.  At that moment I finally understood what it felt like to be fully accepted.  Christ, through my wife, showed me His redeeming love.

I write this because it is my testimony.  That night I saw the militant love of Christ, in my wife, murder my sin.  That night pornography lost its life line, and my love for it has been withering ever since.  Katie has been the single most important instrument in this war.  She continues to provide an environment where confession is safe and where the gospel is center.  She doesn't treat my sin as if it doesn't matter.  And she doesn't give me what I justly deserve.  Rather, she helps me by bearing with me.  She helps me take my sins to Jesus - to the Cross.

As pornography continues to ravage our world, it is imperative for wives (and women) to understand they can make a difference.  I am living proof that women do not have to be objectively distorted by men; but that they can be redemptively deliberate in setting men free.

Thank you my love.  Because of Christ, in you, I am a new man.


 

My Most Humbling Experience To Date As a Parent

The morning started off wonderfully.  I looked to my side at my beautiful wife - and she was just that - stunning.  Then, as always, the kids, one by one, bombarded us with their cheerful shouts and demands for juice, the potty, and a snack.  We played for a while.

Then we moved to the kitchen table for breakfast.  Everything was going really well there too.  It was a great morning.  Then it happened.  Out of nowhere, one little comment was thrown out.  It led to a deeper one, which led to a deeper one.  Before I knew it an argument began.  This one dug deep.  I stood up and I lost it.

When I acted up as a kid, I got a whoopen.

When I acted up in grade school, I got a "white slip."  Then when I got home, I got a whoopen (or the disciplinary equivalent).

When I acted up in college, I'm not really sure what I got.  But it was something.

When I acted up in the first years of marriage, I got the disciplinary equivalent of a whoopen!

Now, as a dad, when I act up, I get this:

In case you didn't get it, Emma wrote: "I love you dad.  You don't have to slam the refrigerator and drop your coffee mug and slam the door.  From Emma."

Simply put, I'm all jacked up.  I spent the next hour wrestling heavily with my sin.  Then we had a family meeting where I repented to everyone of my wicked pride.  As my wife and little girl forgave me, the heavens opened.  I haven't cried like that in a long time.

This was a difficult post to write.  But I think its important that you know who you are reading.  In all the books I have read, I have never read something that humbled me more than what my five-year-old wrote that day - the day that Christ brought this pastor to his knees with the clumsy words of a child.

Poem Written by a Wife Devastated by her Husband's Porn.

Bonhoeffer once said that there is no sin so secret that does not affect someone else.  I believe what he said.  I believe it is Biblical.  And I also believe that there are many wives who are being devastated by their husband's addiction to porn.  This poem was written in a comment to one of Tim Challies' posts on the subject.

Men, we have to read this.  We have to understand that what we do in secret affects those who love us very much.  I have to say that these words, coming from this perspective, are much needed in a world where women are constantly viewed and postured as condoning pornographic habits.

Here is the poem:

I Looked For Love in Your Eyes

I saved my best for you.
Other girls may have given themselves away,
But I believed in the dream.
A husband, a wife, united as one forever.

Nervous, first time, needing assurance of your love,
I looked for it in your eyes
Mere inches from mine.
But what I saw made my soul run and hide.

Gone was the tenderness I’d come to know
I saw a stranger, cold and hard
Distant, evil, revolting.
I looked for love in your eyes
And my soul wept.

Who am I that you cannot make love to me?
Why do I feel as if I’m not even here?
I don’t matter.
I’m a prop in a filthy play.
Not an object of tender devotion.

Where are you?

Years pass
But the hardness in your eyes does not.
You think I’m cold
But how can I warm to eyes that are making hate to someone else
Instead of making love to me?

I know where you are.
I’ve seen the pictures.
I know now what it takes to turn you on.
Women…people like me
Tortured, humiliated, hated, used
Discarded.
Images burned into your brain.
How could you think they would not show in your eyes?

Did you ever imagine,
The first time you picked up a dirty picture
That you were dooming all intimacy between us
Shipwrecking your marriage
Breaking the heart of a wife you wouldn’t meet for many years?

If it stopped here, I could bear it.
But you brought the evil into our home
And our little boys found it.
Six and eight years old.
I heard them laughing, I found them ogling.

Hands bound, mouth gagged.
Fisheye photo, contorting reality
Distorting the woman into exaggerated breasts.
The haunted eyes, windows of a tormented soul
Warped by the lens into the background,
Because souls don’t matter, only bodies do
To men who consume them.

Little boys
My little boys
Laughing and ogling the sexual torture
Of a woman, a woman like me.
Someone like me.

An image burned into their brains.

Will their wives’ souls have to run and hide like mine does?
When does it end?

I can tell you this. It has not ended in your soul.
It has eaten you up. It is cancer.
Do you think you can feed on a diet of hatred
And come out of your locked room to love?

You say the words, but love has no meaning in your mouth
When hatred rules in your heart.
Your cruelty has eaten up every vestige of the man
I thought I was marrying.
Did you ever dream it would so consume you
That your wife and children would live in fear of your rage?

That is what you have become
Feeding your soul on poison.

I’ve never used porn.
But it has devastated my marriage, my family, my world.

Was it worth it?

You can read the rest of the article here.

Should We Repent to Our Children?

I have three children now.  Emma is five years old; Jude is two; and Camille is three months old.  Needless to say, the house gets a little crazy at times.  Coming home to a quiet and peaceful "refuge" is something that just doesn't happen.  Rather, I come home to the greatest screams ever, "DADDY!!!!!"  They run and grab my legs, making it difficult to get to Katie for a little  "shugga."  (Note:  If she reads this she will call me a dork...and I'm okay with that - because of the gospel, of course :)

After things settle down, reality sets in.  Kids start doing what kids do.  Jude likes to ignore Emma while she screams, "Get off of me, Jude!!!" Emma then begins to kick him in the side.  Jude then proceeds to produce this horrible screeching noise, while he retaliates with punches.  Camille sits in her little bouncy seat sucking away on the passy, waiving her hands back and forth (I call this "rapping.").  So, as the dad, I walk over to the UFC match that is going down on my couch and say, "What's going on here?"

I might as well have said, "Let's play the blame game!!!!"  I quickly put a stop to the tattling and send both to their rooms for a little "tap-tap" (Prov 23:13-14).  After the "tap-tap" I try to guide them in repentance and reconciliation.  Then we guide them in prayer and repentance to God.

This goes on many times a day.  My kids repent to me and Katie very often for disobedience, disrespect and other sins.  But I have realized something.  I hardly ever repent to them.  I hardly ever come down to their level and say, "Kids, Daddy is sorry for not being a real good Daddy."  After thinking this through a little, here are some reasons why I think it is essential that we, as parents, repent to our children often.

First,  repentance makes us human and not God.  Our children have amazing capacities to put up with our junk.  After we have pitched our fits right in front of them, they come right up to us and treat us like royalty.  Amazing.  If we do not repent to our children for our sins, they will think that our sinful behavior is okay.  Most children don't have their devotions every morning in the Ten Commandments.  Whatever instruction they receive, they receive from us, the parents. 

But as the old expression goes, "more is caught than taught."  This is why we have to repent of those nasty things they "catch" from us.  If we do not appeal to a higher Authority, we will remain the authority.  We will be a god to them.   A sinful god is devastating to a small child.  Therefore, we must repent.  This directs their attention toward our Righteous Lord.  It makes us subordinate to Him...it makes us human.

Second, when we repent to our children, we let them know we, too, need a Savior.  We need the light of the Gospel just as much as they do.  But when we remain silent about our own sin and fallenness, we become Pharisaical.   We teach them that there is an age, or a time in life, when repentance is not necessary.  We, parents, have reached that point, and they, the children, must reach it too!  

On the other hand, when we repent to our children, and in front of them (typically I do this during our family worship/prayer times), we are showing them what the Christian life is about.  Being saved is not about being sinless.  Walking in light is not about perfection, but about confession.  The kindness of God leads us to repentance.  When we repent, we show our children the freedom that we have received from our kind Savior.  When a person's lips are shut to repentance, it shows their heart is shut to the gospel.

Third, if we communicate to our children about our own sins, hopefully they will communicate to us about their own as they grow older.  I think every parent that I have spent time with desires a great relationship with their children when they grow up.  Katie says it all the time - how she wants Emma to be able to talk to her about her (Emma's) struggles and failures.   Humble parents make approachable parents. 

Last, as we humble ourselves before God, others, and our children, we show that our trust is not in ourselves, but a Wonderful Savior.  If we never show them repentance, we communicate all we need is rules - all we need is law.  We can do this thing called life - a Savior is not needed.  However, if we repent often, we show that we need to hear the good news about Him daily.  When our kids have grown up seeing our need of Him (through repentance) and our receiving of Him (through faith), when they sin they will be inclined to come to us for the Gospel! 

 

Dodge Ball only Leads to Death.

When Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, they immediately responded in at least four notable ways.  First, they felt shame.  They “knew that they were naked” (Gen 3:7).  Second, in order to alleviate the shame, “they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths” (3:7).  In other words, in independence, they tried to fix what they had just broken.  Third, they hid from God (3:8).  And fourth, they blamed someone else for their actions (3:12-13).  Adam blamed Eve (and even God!).  Eve blamed the serpent.

Ever since the fall, humanity has been inclined to the same shame, independence, hiding and blame that our first parents practiced in the Garden. If we think about it, these four actions are not too far from our own everyday human experience.  And since we all do these things, it makes that human experience all the more difficult. 

Have you ever broken something valuable and instead of confessing, you tried to superglue it back together?  See the “try-to-fix-it-shame-game.”  Have you ever been wronged by someone only to have them never return your calls, or answer your texts?  See hiding game.  Can you remember a time when you were late to a meeting because you overslept only to tell your boss that “traffic was horrible” or “my wife didn’t leave me any gas in the car” or “when I stepped outside, I was met by a swarm of killer love-bugs, who then proceeded to torment me for the deaths of all of their distant cousins…and I couldn’t deny it…the evidence was on my windshield!” See the blame game.

These tendencies make relationships flat out hard.  How many times have arguments lingered for hours because one spouse (or both) blames his sin on the other spouse?  My counseling buddy in Jackson used to call this marital dodge-ball.  When one spouse points out sin in the other, the other then proceeds to point out the other’s sins. We dodge the real issue by trying to fix it ourselves.  We dodge confronting the issue by hiding and refusing to repent and confess our wrongs. We blame others for our trespasses and refuse to take ownership of what we have done. 

And on and on it goes, each person “dodging” the issue altogether.  Sin is never dealt with – it is never killed.  This is dangerous as all four of these are like fertilizer to sin.  Shame, independence, hiding and blame all make sin stronger, not weaker.  The longer it lingers, the more power it gains to destroy.

The only remedy is the gospel.  How so?  First, the gospel makes us unashamed.  Knowing that we are fully accepted before God, and that Christ has forgiven all of the trespasses that brought us shame, we can look our neighbor straight in the eye and say, “I am ashamed of my sins.  I tried for so long to fix them; but I couldn’t.  I’m sorry.  Christ, has taken my sins and has given me his righteousness.” 

Second, the gospel liberates us from trying to fix our problem with God – namely, our own sin.  Christ has taken our sin upon Himself.  God has punished that sin upon the Cross.  It is finished.  I cannot do more to remedy my situation than what Christ has already done.  This is Christian liberty.  This is grace.

Third, the gospel empowers us to walk in the light and not hide in the darkness.  Sin is best dealt with in the light.  We cannot remedy it ourselves (see above).  We need help.  We need a Savior.  So when a brother or sister in Christ confronts our sin, we confess it and get it all out on the table.  We then see what it looks like to have someone bear with us; to have someone forgive us; to have some one accept us, while we are yet sinners.  The gospel gives us courage to confess; for confessed sin give more occasion to grow closer than farther away from the Body of our Lord.

Last, the gospel puts an end to the blame game.  When we understand that sin is ours, then we can understand more fully that Christ died for US and for OUR sin.  When we blame, what we really say is that the other person needs a Savior, we don’t.  But when we take ownership of our sin, through repentance and faith, then we are owned by Christ.  

Do I Have to Have Sex with My Spouse Whenever They Ask?

Here is a great video that answers (or begins to answer) a question that is asked by many spouses.  I personally love the ministry at CCEF.



(HT: Challies)

Tug O' War and Wrinkles

We all know it too well - the tug o' war of life.  In marriage it is experienced all too often.  The wife is really good at cleaning, and the husband is not.  Or, one is really good at confronting, while the other is really good at waiting (both are needed).

In our house, Katie is really good at remembering very small details about our lives - like family birthdays, household chores that need to be done, doctor and dentist appointments, and so on.  I, on the other hand, am horrible with remembering small details.  If it were up to me, the kids wouldn't go to their checkups or the dentist!  I'm doing good just to feed them when Katie is not around!  I simply don't remember.  But, I think I do a decent job steering the family in the direction of God's will for our lives.  Big decisions are easier for me (I think) than for Katie.  We are a great team.

However, because one person's strength is the other's weakness, opportunity often arises to become frustrated.  Just think of it.  Because Katie is so good with remembering things, she cannot comprehend (unless she stops to think about it) how or why I am not.  So, when I forget to call my mom on her birthday (which I did last year!), she (Katie) gets a bit frustrated.  Let the tug o' war begin!

What we have hear is a wonderful situation, but one that could easily go bad.  This is the tug o' war of life in relationships.  And it happens in other arenas as well - not just marriage.  Sit back and think of the friends that God has given to you.  Are they strong in an area where you are particularly weak?  If so, isn't that a great gift?  Sure it is.  But like I said earlier, this gift is also fragile.  Your strong friend is gonna be quick to see your weaknesses.  And vise versa.  He/she is going to be quick to see the "wrinkles" in your life and character.  And when our wrinkles rub up against the wrinkles of another - again, let the tug o' war begin!

Every human experiences this - Christian and non-Christian alike.  It is the Christian, however, that has the only reasonable way of using such occasions (tug o' wars and wrinkles) for their God-ordained purposes.  The Gospel is our guide and help to use these for the edification, encouragement, and strengthening of our brother or sister.  The Gospel is the only way to take the "tug" out of the "war" as it shows us where our wrinkles can be dealt with properly and peacefully - namely, to the Prince of Peace who has already fought the war (by the way, a "wrinkle" is closely related to sin - it is that part of us that frustrates, offends, or hurts others).

C.S. Lewis said in one of his books (I can't remember which one) that "we all have wrinkles in our lives that God has no intention of ironing out."  In other words, God has decided to allow sin to linger in each and every one of our lives.  As John Owen said, "Sin still dwells, but it no long has dominion."

I am thankful for honest friends.  Last night one of them said something to the effect of, "It has been so encouraging learning the right way to relate to each other in our marriage, and how to handle arguments and such.  But it is so frustrating to be in the heat of an argument (which is another way of saying - a tug o' war caused by wrinkles rubbing together:), and not implementing what I have learned."  I totally understand what she was talking about.  Thank you AP for your honesty.

Well, why is that?  Why does it seem that as Christians we learn exactly how to deal with a situation, but when we get into it, we throw it out the window?  Why does sin still linger?  Why is it that we are so weak at those moments when we need to be so strong?  Where is God?

He is there.  Oh yes, He is there.  And He will gladly take our strength in order to bring us to confession of our weaknesses.  He will gladly show us the futility of tug o' war - where either you keep using all of your energy pulling your way, just to have the other pulling their way; getting weaker by the second to see the situation going nowhere - or to see the other fall flat on their face.  There is no victory in either case.  So why allow it God?

The answer is clear.  Drop the rope and look to Christ in faith and repentance.  Our goal in seeing the wrinkles in others is not to show them how strong we are by pulling the rope harder than they do.  That's not real strength.  Christ showed His superior strength, not in condemning us, but in saving us when He had every right to condemn us.  When He had every right to beat us for our sins, He took a beating for our sins.  When He had every right to fight us, He forgave us.  Think of it this way.  How much strength does it take to see and show someone that they are wrong?  None at all.  Anyone can do that (for the most part).  Now, think about how much strength it takes to forgive them...to help them in their weakness...to take their sins to the Cross.  It takes divine strength.

What lesson does the Gospel teach us?  When we play tug o' war, we can expect to get really tired and to fall flat on our face.  Wrinkles are no occasion for fighting - but they are great occasions for forgiving. And when we do fight and fall on our face (namely, by not implementing what we know we are supposed to do), we understand that this is a perfect opportunity to glorify Christ in repentance, forgiveness and faith.  It is a great opportunity to see just how strong our God is!

How Many Bullets Do You Have in Your Gun?

An old friend (who was not a believer) once told me that he carried around an imaginary gun in his pocket.  Every time his wife did something wrong, particularly against him, he would remain silent, all the while putting a metaphorical "bullet" in his gun for future use.  Then, at some future date, when he did something wrong, he would pull out the gun and shoot her with it - in other words, he would unleash war upon her with a list of all of her previous wrongs.

It's easy to look at this situation and see the major flaws.  This is no way to live in the home.  This is a marriage that will not last unless it is rescued by the power of the Gospel.  But, I would bet that we all have "guns" and we all, at times, like to load them.  What are we to do?  How do we end the miserable cycle?  Well, I am no expert, but I know who is.

Christ is the remedy.  But how?  Sure, it's easy to say that He is, but what does that mean?  Is it realistic to think that a simple fact - that Christ died - can help in the heat of the battle?  I mean, come on!  How does a man dying on a cross, over 2000 years ago, help our situation?  Here is at least one way:

Consider Col 3:3, "For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."  or, Gal 2:20 where Paul says, "I have been crucified with Christ."

Bullets are instruments of punishment.  When we "shoot" others we are attempting to vindicate ourselves by their punishment.  This is tremendously crafty.  It's very difficult for a sinner on trial to place another (namely, us) on trial.  That's why we let the stored up bullets fly when our faults are exposed.

There is a serious problem with this though.  A person who sins against us cannot possibly pay for the sins they have committed against us.  When we try and vindicate ourselves, we really condemn ourselves.  Why?  B/c we find satisfaction in seeing them pay outside of the Cross.  We shoot and say, "Debt paid."  Well, no.  The debt is not paid!  And if we think that our little bullet is enough, we are selfish and unjust.  We care only that we feel better about the situation and care nothing at all about God's justice being satisfied.

If we truly stored up bullets for the sake of justice, we would take the matter to the highest court and forsake the temptation to settle it in the courtroom of our mind and emotions.  If we were truly concerned with justice, we would let God handle it.  We would let Him prononce the punishment.  We would let Him shoot!

Now, for the gospel.  God has already pronounced and exacted the punishment.  He has already shot His vindicative "bullet."  It is called the Cross of Christ.  And those who place their faith in Christ are so united with Him that His death can be called their death as well.  Amazing.  What does this look like in an argument in the home or among friends?

Billy shoots his bullet at his wife Betty saying, "You did this and that the other day!  You treated me miserably!"  Betty then sets her mind on Christ and understands that Billy's bullets cannot kill her.  Her sins have been punished already.  In reality, Billy is shooting someone who has already died, in Christ.  She says, "Yes, Billy you are right.  I am a sinner and I did do this and that.  I repent.  Will you forgive me?"

Billy, looking surprised, puts his gun down.  It doesn't make since shooting a dead person.  It is unjust to make Betty pay for sins that Christ has already justly paid for.  He repents saying, "Betty, I am sorry for being so crummy.  I am sorry for not seeing you in Christ.  He thinks to himself, "Yes, she sinned against me - but I will take that to the Cross and see her sins punished there."  He then says to his wife, "I have sinned against you and God.  I have tried to settle this matter myself.  Of course I forgive you, but I'm the one that needs forgiveness.  Will you forgive me?"

I know this is easier said than done.  But it must be said first...well, it has already.  The Word is sufficient for us.  Praise God that in Christ we have died and, in Christ, we now live!

How Many Kids Do You Want to Have?!!!

Most who know me well know that I love children. More than that, I love having children (well...my wife actually "has" them, but you know what I mean). When people ask us how many we would like to have, we usually say something like, "As many as we can." or "We will see when we get there." This answer is surprising to most, especially in a culture (and world) where people are having fewer and fewer children.

I have to be careful here, and would like to ad my pastoral side-note. I am strongly opinionated in this area - so much so, that I am reluctant to call it "opinion." I do however, understand that this is a rather subjective area, and that God calls and gives different couples different amounts of children. My almost objective voice on the "many-children" side is small compared to those objective voices on the "few-children" side. So - I speak.

I have written a decent sized paper on this issue. If you would like to read it, you can email me. Just click the "contact" link above. I will give a few of the points in this post. Here ya go:

First, beware of presumption in this area. Many say that they will have or desire to have one or two children. That's okay. My question is, "How do you know how many you want?" Have you ever had children? Have you ever had that many? Now here is the kicker...."How many does the Lord want you to have?" I know. I know. The Bible does not say. But it is definitely not silent (for more information on what the Bible does say - email me).

I would also warn against the presumption that the future is the best time to have children. James speaks of this sort of thing. If the couple is fertile, the question is, "Why?" The Scriptures also advocate having children during the younger days than older (Ps 127:4).

Second, beware of postponing children for financial reasons. I understand that finances are a significant indicator if a couple should or should not have children. BUT, allow me to answer some of the most common financial "excuses." My first question is not, "Can you afford a child; but rather, can you afford NOT to have children?" Many sacrifice greatly to save for retirement. I say, stop that! Invest your money in children. They will care for you much better than a 401K when you are old...trust me.

My next question is, "Have you really counted the cost and done all you can to afford children?" I was convicted long ago by a post that called out so many who were more than willing to pay $300 for a second car, but were wholly unwilling to spend the same on a child.

Most cannot afford to have the same lifestyle AND have children. There will be sacrifice involved. But I must say, that children have not costed us all that much. Between the church and family, one could have diapers for years! and CLOTHES galore! Can you say hand-me-downs??? This is what I love about covenant theology! My children are covenant children. Sure they are my responsibility; but not outside of the context of the church. We all care for each other.

Take a look at this ARTICLE. Children are becoming rare in Japan. Sure they are saving money now; but what about in 20 years? Who will care for the older adults??? Just think of it...if a couple has one child, that means that there is only one now to care for two when they grow old. I think we often neglect the life cycle. Older people need care. Don't buy the lie, that once the kids are grown and "out of the nest" that we are done caring for others. Once the kids are out our parents will be moving in. We must care for them (1Tim 5). Why? B/c the Bible says so:) and to show our children how to care for those who are older than we are. One day we may need the same.

Third, beware of what you want. Is it always about what we want? I must say that the thought of having 6 or 7 kids is a bit scary and stressful. I love having time to myself just like the next guy. But its not all about me. The world needs Christian children! We are to make disciples (both by the creation ordinance [be fruitful and multiply] AND the great commission). There is a culture out there that does not see the Duggars or "Who ever and Kate +8" as phenomenons. That culture is less than safe. The world needs us - and it will need our legacy.

I will add to this section a caution against the desire to be baren. I am trying to be careful here. I looked in vain to find one single reference in Scripture that treated bareness as a blessing or something to be desired. This is no argument from silence.

Please understand that this admonishment is from a heart of love and understanding. Many have not taken the time to think these things through. I understand. I am writing this to inform and encourage.

Finally, beware of attributing fertility and childrearing to ourselves primarily. The Scriptures are clear that God opens and closes the womb. He gives life. Again, if you are fertile, ask "Why?" There are thousands who would love to have children. Fertility is a blessing. It is wonderful. It is something that we ought to immediately seize and cherish and take advantage of. There are plenty of references in the Scriptures that show how God opens and then closes. Fertility should not be presumed. The window may be small. I am not saying go and have kids now! I can't make that decision for you. But I do want to check the arrogance that leads us to believe that children are merely a natural reaction of an egg and sperm coming together after intercourse. Sure that is the means, but WHO is the ultimate cause? Who does the forming?

I am only trying to reverse paradigms of thinking. A full quiver of arrows is considered a blessing. Why then are we so surprised when we see a family with a full quiver? It's not a phenomenon, but an act of God's sovereign mercy.

I have said a lot. And I have also left a lot unsaid. Notice that I have not said how many children I think Christians should have. That is not my goal. I am only trying to confront a culture that sees children as more of a curse than a blessing; more of a hinderance than a source of great happiness; and more of a burden than benefit. Where are we getting our standards from in this area? That is a serious question worthy of much prayer and consideration. I hope you leave this page challenged, encouraged, edified, and hopeful.

And yes, I am scared out of my mind to have a ton of kids. But God is faithful. They are only a blessing. His grace is sufficient for us (one kid or twenty)! And lets be honest, the process of having kids is pretty fun too:) (did I just say that??!!!)

Voddie Baucham on Piper's Leave of Absence

I am endebted to my buddy Jeffery Reed for sending me this article. And yes, Jeffery, I appreciate you very much. Thanks for thinking of me as often as you do.

Here is the article:

John Piper has taught me much over the years. I consider it an honor to count him as a friend, and I am deeply saddened by his recent announcement that he will be taking a leave of absence for the remainder of 2010. In explaining his leave of absence, he writes:

The difference between this leave and the sabbatical I took four years ago is that I wrote a book on that sabbatical (What Jesus Demands from the World). In 30 years, I have never let go of the passion for public productivity. In this leave, I intend to let go of all of it. No book-writing. No sermon preparation or preaching. No blogging. No Twitter. No articles. No reports. No papers. And no speaking engagements. There is one stateside exception—the weekend devoted to the Desiring God National Conference combined with the inaugural convocation of Bethlehem College and Seminary in October. Noël thought I should keep three international commitments. Our reasoning is that if she could go along, and if we plan it right, these could be very special times of refreshment together.

As I contemplated Dr. Piper’s words, I could not help but realize that even in what must be a devastating moment for him, he is still teaching those of us who are listening. Here are a few things I hope we all learn:

1. I hope we learn that no man is indispensable, and that that it is the Lord, and not man who can proclaim, “I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.” (Matt 16:18).

John Piper is arguably the biggest name in evangelicalism today. He is known throughout the world for his unique gifts and extraordinary mind. He is a modern-day Jonathan Edwards who would never admit as much. Even so, he is not the cause of Bethlehem Baptist Church’s success. That distinction belongs to the Lord Jesus Christ. John Piper is no more than decorated dust, and he knows it (that’s one of the things I love most about him, and one of the reasons his announcement is so surprising). God has used him in amazing ways, but the Lord’s work does not rise and fall with a single man. It never has, and it never will. I hope we learn this lesson over the next eight months.

1. I hope we learn that there are pastors out there who take their calling and qualifications seriously.

How often do we hear about pastors whose marriages and families are in complete shambles, but they hold on to their pulpits? I receive emails frequently with questions like, “my pastor just got a separation from his wife, but he won’t step down... what should I do?” I went to seminary with a pastor who was arrested for having sex with a teenage girl and was in the pulpit the next day. Another pastor here in the Houston area was caught on tape sexually harassing a male staff member, and is still in his pulpit years later in spite of the fact that the vulgar tapes (exposing both his bisexuality and his indecency) were played on the local news (see story here)!

As a result, many people have a bad taste in their mouth when it comes to pastors. Now here comes John Piper who writes:

Noël and I are rock solid in our commitment to each other, and there is no whiff of unfaithfulness on either side. But, as I told the elders, “rock solid” is not always an emotionally satisfying metaphor, especially to a woman. A rock is not the best image of a woman’s tender companion. In other words, the precious garden of my home needs tending. I want to say to Noël that she is precious to me in a way that, at this point in our 41-year pilgrimage, can be said best by stepping back for a season from virtually all public commitments.

That’s right... no adultery, no scandal, just a man who recognizes his need to turn his attention toward home in an effort to live up to his calling as a husband, father and pastor in ways he has not done in the recent past. What an incredible testimony to the rest of us! Moreover, what an incredible testimony to a world that has grown weary of pastoral scandals.

1. I hope we learn that no ministry is as important in a pastor’s life as the ministry of marriage.

For generations, pastors have felt justified (if not obligated) in sacrificing their marriage and family on the altar of ministry. Billy Graham, for example, has been painfully honest about his failures in this area. In one Father’s Day article, he wrote:

Whenever I did get home for a short stay between engagements, I would get a crash course in the agony and ecstasy of parenting. If Ruth had not been convinced that God had called her to fulfill that side of our partnership, and had not resorted constantly to God’s Word for instruction and to His grace for strength, I don’t see how she could have survived.

Franklin was almost six by the time Ned came along. With two boys in the household, my fathering was more urgently needed than ever. Still, sometimes I was away for months at a time (emphasis added).

Unfortunately, since his kids “turned out alright,” people rarely mention this tragic side of Billy Graham’s ministry. Others like Charles Stanley have gone as far as getting divorced (after years of separation) without even missing a stride! And this after telling his congregation in 1995, “If my wife divorces me, I would resign immediately.” (see here)

The message in each of these cases was clear: “Ministry before marriage!” However, John Piper, though he, like many of us, may have fallen victim to this mantra at some point, has here said (about as clearly as a man in his position can say) “Marriage before ministry!” I pray that God not only heals John’s marriage and family; I pray God uses his stance to drive me and others to our knees in humble confession and repentance for any and every instance where we have neglected our first ministry... that of our marriage.

1. I hope we learn that it’s never too late to improve your marriage.

There are people out there who have endured difficulties in their marriages for years. Many have lost any sense of hope that things will get better, or that their spouse could even be willing to try. May this bold and biblical act by John Piper serve to remind us all that God is able to bring about change at any stage in a marriage. John writes:

Personally, I view these months as a kind of relaunch of what I hope will be the most humble, happy, fruitful five years of our 35 years at Bethlehem and 46 years [sic] of marriage. Would you pray with me to that end?

1. I hope we learn that the world loves it when we fail.

When you preach like John Piper does, you make your share of enemies. Unfortunately, many of these enemies will jump at this opportunity to gloat. They sense blood in the water, and they are already starting to circle. (see here and here, for example) I am not arguing that John Piper or anyone else is above criticism (see Tim Challies’s recent blog about John’s decision to invite Rick Warren to this year’s Desiring God conference for an example). However, this goes beyond criticism.

1. I hope we learn that a true plurality of elders is not only biblical; it is also a great blessing.

Men like John Piper are often thought of as “Lone Ranger” types whose name and reputation are so big that no one would dare question or challenge them. However, anyone associated with John’s ministry knows better. First, John is committed to a plurality of elders model of church leadership. Second, the elder body at BBC is a true plurality. John is truly accountable to the elder body (see here). This is a great comfort for those who serve in situations where there is true plurality. However, it should serve as a great warning for the “Lone Ranger” pastor with no one to keep watch over his soul, and no one (with actual authority in his life) to ask him the hard questions.

1. I hope husbands learn to “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (1 Pet 3:7)

We mustn’t forget that at the heart of all of this is Noël Piper. At bottom, this is about a man who recognizes the need to “live with his wife in an understanding way...” and his failure at some level to do so. This is about a husband saying to his wife, “There is nothing in my life (other than my walk with Christ) that supersedes my relationship with you... not even my international fame.” Regardless of the outcome, this should be a lesson to us all.

1. I hope we learn the subtle power of pride

The sin to which John refers in his public announcement is pride. He writes:

I asked the elders to consider this leave because of a growing sense that my soul, my marriage, my family, and my ministry-pattern need a reality check from the Holy Spirit... I see several species of pride in my soul that, while they may not rise to the level of disqualifying me for ministry, grieve me, and have taken a toll on my relationship with Noël and others who are dear to me.

Pride is a frightening sin. The Bible is replete with harsh warnings for the proud: “Love the LORD, all you his saints! The LORD preserves the faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.” (Psa 31:23) “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.” (Prov 11:2) “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” (Prov 16:18) “ And of course, we all know, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”” (James 4:6; cf. Prov 3:34)

Ironically, John Piper is known as a humble man. In fact, I have characterized him that way myself. Anyone who has spent time with him would probably agree. Nevertheless, his own words reveal how easy it is for pride to take hold, and take its toll even in the life of a quiet, unassuming, deferential man. This should cause those of us in public ministry to tremble.

1. I hope we learn to allow for discretion.

If we are honest, we would have to admit that we all want more information. What are the sins? How long has this gone on? Is there more? These are the bits of information our flesh craves. This is especially true in our facebook, twitter, blogspot, podcast world where we have almost unlimited access to the thoughts, words, and sometimes secrets of celebrities both inside and outside the church. We feel as though we have a right to know. However, we do not. This is a private matter between a man and his wife. He has dealt with this with the elders to whom he is accountable and they have determined that there is no need for information beyond what has been provided.

Reading what a man like John Piper writes, hearing what he says, and getting a glimpse into the way he thinks are all privileges. Reading someone’s blog, however, does not mean we have a relationship with them. And even if we did have a personal relationship with him, that wouldn’t give us the right to intimate details about his marriage. Perhaps there is more to come about the relation of these particular “sins” to his public ministry, but for now this is a marital issue.

My prayer for John and his family is that this time will give them the space they need to heal. Unfortunately, the harsh reality is that the Christian version of “The National Enquirer” will kick in soon enough and we’ll probably have pictures of John above captions claiming that he’s actually an alien from another planet (thus explaining his extraordinary intelligence), and his wife just couldn’t take it anymore.

While this is obviously an exaggeration, I hope it proves to be based on a completely unwarranted fear. However, I doubt it.

1. I hope we learn to “let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall” (1 Cor 10:12)

I feel sorry for the pastor who heard this news and said, “‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this [struggling pastor].” (Luke 18:11) News like this should cause us all to proclaim along with Paul, “that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.” (1 Tim 1:15)

VB

Promises, Promises...

I'm not sure how I got to this point. Well, I have a good idea. One of the beauties of marriage is that you are around another person all of the time. One of the "spots" on marriage is that you are around another person all of the time. It's a beauty b/c you get to know, understand, have, hold, argue with, laugh with, cry with and 'fun-around' with another image of God, which never ceases to amaze me. There are times when I just look at her and say to myself, "She is mine. I get to have her, and only her till death do us part." Marriage is a great thing.

I know, I know - I said that marriage had "spots." Allow me to explain. I don't mean that "spots" aren't ultimately a good thing. I simply mean that they are 'things' that aren't always well liked. The spots that I am referring to are those that derive from being known too well.

Yes, this is a good thing. But it is so frustrating sometimes. When you don't know someone very well, you tend to act a bit differently. You put up with their tardiness. You laugh at their bad jokes. In short, you do things that you wouldn't do if you knew them well. There is a certain amount of slack that we give others as we are getting to know them. Frankly, these days, these types of people are in our lives more than the latter. We are simply too busy to know people well (but that is for another post).

Ok - where am I going with all this? My wife knows when I make an empty promise. Why? B/c she knows me too well. If you know me, you know that I have been a bit busy lately. I am finishing up seminary, working full-time, going through the ordination process, trying to be a good daddy and a good friend. The only problem is that I could never juggle over three objects as a kid. I tried four, but every time I would drop a ball and quickly revert back to three. Katie has been the most amazing companion in all of this. She keeps me safe. She keeps me home. She keeps me from obsessing. She keeps me grounded. And she is getting tired me saying, "I promise I will be able to juggle four this time."

There was a time not long ago when it hit me that my graduation from seminary was not 'my' accomplishment. It was hers as well. When I do my work - she feels it. When I don't - she really feels it. Why? B/c my life is her life. She knows me well. She is connected to me. She wants me around.

So last night, we got into the bed. I rolled over without saying much and took the big breath before closing my eyes. Though there was silence in the room, I could hear her thinking. I could hear her struggling. I know her well too. Her breathing was not calm. She was hurting. So, I fought the urge to ignore it, and turned to her and said, "I love you." Strike one. That did nothing. No change. Then I said, "Can I give you a kiss?" Strike two. She said, "Yeah." But what she really said was, "Yeah...I guess." Then I knew. I said, "Are you alright?" I could hear the tears now.

Yesterday she called and said that she was upset about a conversation that she just had with a friend. I was in the middle of my ordination exam. In my tunnel vision, I didn't even ask about it. That hurt her. No words mean no care. Six years into marriage and I am just learning this. Wow.

So, as the tears were flowing, she said, "I know you are busy and that you can't help it. I just want to know things are gonna be different when you graduate." At this point, I am aiming to fix the tears (it's the man thing to do right?). I said, "things will be different....(and here is the bomb)...I promise." I don't know why I was so reluctant to promise. I do now.

I have promised a lot in 6 years, and I'm not so sure my batting average would help me make any little league cut. She knows that about me. She knows me well. She didn't question me last night and I guess that's why I am writing about it now. I don't think it's b/c she all the sudden trusts me; it's more than that. She is simply so desperate that she will take anything.

Now that I think about it - my promises are fickle. I confess. I wish they weren't. I am resolved now to replace my promises with prayers. History teaches me that I am incapable to bring about one single future act. But my Lord can. He loves me. And better yet, He loves my wife too. I am throwing myself at Him this morning, begging His mercy to make things different. I need humility. I need to slow down, think, pray, repent, and respond in faith. Promises, promises. She knows that the "p-word" means nothing. She's right. It doesn't. When will I understand that only His promises are "Yes, and Amen"?

There are a few 'p-words' that mean something though. Prayer. Providence. Passover (three p's are for all you presbyterians out there). Oh how I need my Lord. Please pray for me as I seek this change. I don't want to see my wife cry anymore. Not because of me. I am confident that things will change. Yes, I know that they will. Why? B/c He is faithful, and His gospel never leaves me the same way it found me.

Autonomy, Loneliness and Hope

I used to consider myself a recluse. I like to be alone. I usually say being by myself is how I refuel - its how I can "face the day." Sure, some would never consider me an introvert. Katie and I love to have company, and talk and exist in community. But there is a large part of me that likes to just sit, in my office, by myself, and stare at the wall or even a good book.

So when Katie takes the kids to the in-laws for a few days, my first instinct is to get excited. It's not because I don't like being around them (I love it), but the rarity of alone-time makes alone-time all the more coveted. I think you know what I mean.

I look forward to that day when they will pull out of the drive way and I can walk into a house where it is just me (and the dog - Tilly). Usually I have a list of to-do's for myself. Cleaning is fun. Fiddling around is also fun. But what really happens when I walk back into the house is, in reality, not so fun. :( I'll come back to this in a moment.

I am learning that my "introvertedness" can soon tip over into the selfishness category. That is, it is difficult to know whether I just want to be alone, or if I just want to do what I want to do (in a selfish sense). In other words, I wonder if sometimes I use my desire to be alone as a ploy to cover up my real desire to be autonomous. Marriage and family is a difficult thing. My buddy Orlando said to me when I got married, "Scott, your life is OVER!" Then when we had Emma, he said, "Scott, your life is really over now!" That's why I love to be around Do-man (Orlando's nickname). He says the funniest things - and often they are so true. What he was really saying was, "you have now lost your life." As Christians, we know that is really good news.

What am I trying to say? The sinful side of me desires to be autonomous. I want what I want, when I want it. And, I don't want anyone to tell me, "No." But there is a huge rub to this. The way to seemingly have this scenario is to be alone. We say, "Let me be alone! Then I can do what I want! Then I can be happy! Then I won't have someone always looking over my shoulder!" I wonder if this isn't the lie that leads many to divorce - or at least to a distaste for marriage?

How do I know it's a lie? The answer is simple. As soon as Katie and the kids leave the drive way, the excitement of being alone (and/or autonomous) is soon overshadowed by the darkest cloud of loneliness. In stead of strolling through my to-do list, whistling as I go about doing what I want to do, I find myself sitting on the bed, staring at the wall, wishing I could hear, "Daddy!" or "Scott, can you come in here for a sec?" or "Awe, will you just scratch my back for a little bit?" Suddenly, the small things that make usually make me want to be alone are the very things that I miss so much.

In short, autonomy and loneliness are far from being allies. This, no doubt, is by design. We weren't made to be alone (Gen 2:18). I am learning that those small frustrations that come from being in demand by others are often really just instances where my sin is being mortified. Sin doesn't like to die. And it will undoubtedly scream in our ears while it is being put to death.

I love my family. I love my friends. And I love it that they make it almost impossible for me to be lonely. Sure, its frustrating at times. And that's ok. But frustration is not always void of joy and satisfaction. While the old man dies, the new man thrives. This is our taste of glory. It is the down payment of our inheritance. When true Christ-like satisfaction comes to me in community, all I think about is heaven. Oh what a great day that will be! No more sin. No more frustration. No more death. And finally, no more arguments at 11:11pm!

This is our hope as Christians. And I am learning also to be careful where I place it (hope). It is not fully realized here. Sure it is "now" but it is also "not yet." My satisfaction clearly does not come from my family going on a small vacation. And may I say this to those who might be frustrated with marriage - happiness for you will not come from not being married. Final happiness, joy, satisfaction and peace will come in glory. We must not demand more from our spouse than he/she can give. Marriage is not without frustration; but it is not without joy either.

Katie and the kids are home now from New Orleans. They arrived last night. I can't think of a time when my life has been more satisfying. I do, however, need to stop writing this post in order to get to my "honey-do" list :) Isn't life grand!

It is so much more than just... "Hello"

This post by Doug Walter hit home. This is so convicting. As I look back at many of the discussions that Katie and I have had regarding my role in the home, I must say, that the girl is simply spot on.

When I come home tired and groggy - the whole house turns to emulate my activity. I have learned (and am continuing to learn) that something as simple as the tone of my voice when I say "hello" when she calls, is of drastic importance. What I am really saying when I say "hello" is - "what would you like my love, as I am so glad you are my wife!" OR "what in the heck to YOU want!" - all of this in a simple word..."hello."

Dads and husbands would do well to "man-up" as they approach their wives and families after a long day. It is well worth the effort. The sacrifice is small compared to the smiles one gets when he has a happy home.