A Lesson I Am Learning In Marriage

I am learning a very difficult, but extremely important lesson.  This is probably a lesson that others are learning as well, and very probably a lesson that many have learned in the past.  Are you ready?  Here it goes.

I need to listen to my wife.

There.

Profound huh?

I'm not talking about listening to her advise per se; but more along the lines of, I need to listen to how she feels about things and what she is thinking.  When she expresses concerns, I need to resist the temptation to go directly into problem solving mode. There is, however, a listening that is much more difficult for me.  And this is where the lesson is being learned.

It's when she tells me how she feels about me; and when she expresses concerns about us.  While this is going on I want to either defend myself, or, tell her that she is perceiving things incorrectly.  Simply put, my unwillingness to hear about the possibility of my own sin prevents me from loving my wife well.

If she says, for example, that she doesn't feel like I am spending enough time with her (and this is only an example), I need to resist the temptation to list all of the times that I have spent quality time with her over the past week.  Rather than trying to figure out whether she is right or wrong, I should simply hear that she feels lonely.  And instead of worrying about my own justification, I should be ready with the gospel for my wife.

I am learning that it is almost impossible to defend oneself and love someone else at the same time.  

If she is right, then listening to her provides a gracious opportunity for repentance and faith (easier said than done!).  If she is not right, then listening to her provides her with love that covers a multitude of sins.

The gospel centered "dynamic" (as someone has called it) allows us to get below the surface in our relationships.  If we know that we are justified by faith in Christ, our need to immediately fight for our own innocence becomes unnecessary.  We can hear that we are sinners, because we know that's the truth.  If someone calls me a jerk I should really take that as a complement, rather than take offense.

I am deeply grateful for this lesson.  I am also aggravatingly thankful that the Lord provides ample opportunity for me to continue the learning process.  Listening to my wife has helped me to know myself and her so much more.  And after seven years...I never knew it could be this good.