How Premarital Cohabitation Destroys Marriage and Distorts The Gospel

In a recent post, Glenn Stanton of The Line: Bringing Focus to the Single Years, writes about what cohabitation does for marriage.  In writing this, Stanton shows, even statistically, the many downfalls that often accompany premarital cohabitation.  While the majority of these couples, some 75% of them, see cohabitation as an aggressive step toward marriage, the reality, however, is that this decision is actually proving to be an aggressive step toward abuse and even divorce.

The many warnings from Scripture, along with the undeniable sociological statistics, should prove to be a guard and guide for singles (as well as married couples) in an over-sexualized culture.  In other words, the more we are bombarded with false depictions of the “glorious life in premarital cohabitation” via television, radio and other media, the more we need to hear the truth that those who choose to live this way are in rebellion against God, and are, in reality, relational train wrecks.  As said above, the reasons for this are ultimately theological.  Consider a few points.

First, that we may not, and should not, allow the clear distinctions between lust and love to be blurred.  A couple who decides to partake in the glories of marriage before vowing to commitment in marriage are more in lust than they are in love.  A man who decides to rebel against God in pursuing his lusts cannot possibly love the woman he is lusting after as Christ loves the church. 

Second, the bed that the couple shares in cohabitation is not the bed that they will share in marriage.  It is a common saying that lust seeks to fill the bed before the vows and then to empty it after them. Sex before marriage is nothing but selfishly taking from another individual.  This is very different from the biblical picture of sex described as two people selflessly giving to each other.  Lust is not a passive, lifeless reality; but one that is actively rebellious, desiring to kill and destroy.

Last, those who desire to have the consummation before the commitment ultimately distort the gospel.  The saying is true that “love waits.”  True, gospel-centered love, is content with the commitment that is now, and with the promised consummation that is not yet.  The life in-between is one of patient endurance, by the power of the Holy Spirit, that clings to the promise in faith and looks with great expectation to the hope that is to come.   But those who would have the consummation now communicate that there is no future hope, and that there is no Risen Christ who is trustworthy, good, and worth waiting for. 

There is a right way to become married that glorifies the Christ who both ordains it as well as communicates through it (Eph 5).  This same Christ, however, will not allow His Name to be profaned by a pseudo-union that is superficially bound by selfishness and lust.  When two people, on the other hand, commit to each other, consummate the commitment, and move forward to live in a glorious marriage, they proclaim the Lord who selflessly and sacrificially died for His Church, who will come again in the great consummation, and who will live with them forever in glory.

For All You Singles Out There...

The satisfaction that comes from knowing another individual so intimately that it would be right to call the two, one, is almost incomparable.  Being vitally committed to someone under the warm blanket of Biblical authority is quite possibly the height of human experience.  And rightly so.  It is quite possibly the most satisfying shadow that gives us the greatest glimpse of our union with Jesus Christ.

But what about those who are single?  What about the people who continually struggle with the fact that their biological clock is ticking - alone.  What can we say to them?  How does singleness fit into the Christian life where marriage is so important and satisfying?  Here are a few thoughts.

First, the Bible tells us that God's grace is sufficient for you (2 Cor 12).  Just as He is the supplier of all good things for those who are married, He is for those who are single.  If you are single, you can trust Him.  He is with you.  He knows your situation and is in control.

Second, know that your loneliness is a spiritual craving and not merely a physical one.  Simply put, don't waste your loneliness, but rather use those times to seek after the One who is ultimately satisfying.  This is more easily said than done, I understand.  However, take the first diligent step in faith.  He will reward you (Heb 11:6).  His rewards are greater than marriage.

Third, understand that marriage is a shadow and not the Substance (Col 2:17).  One day marriage will be no more.  Our hope in glory will be realized (Col 1:27).  I, along with others, get a little disappointed when thinking that marriage (and sex!) will not exist in heaven.  But our view of heaven is too small.  Heaven's pleasures and joys will so far surpass those of marriage, that they will not even be desired.

Fourth, take advantage of your freedom.  I love being married and all; but, I must say that asking permission for everything is something that I could do without (not because my wife is authoritative, but simply because if I want to leave the house, I am asking her to babysit three kids alone!).  So, don't waste your singleness.  Read like crazy!  Serve married couples (with babysitting :) like crazy!  Love like crazy!

Finally, obedience in faith, whether single or married, is the most joyful way.  Don't settle.  Don't fall into sexual sin.  It's not worth it.  Labor to be around other godly people - married and single.  Try and limit your time alone.  Do whatever it takes to fight sin in your life.  Move to a place where people bombard you and annoy the heck out of you.  You will only have to do it for a short time.  Heaven is soon approaching.  And, you never know, marriage may be just around the corner.

This post is for all of the singles I know that continue to bless my socks off by their love, service, and example.  Your struggle to remain sold out for Christ, in a culture where singleness is so difficult, inspires me.  Thank you.

This video is really good too!