Many of you know my story. That for many years I fought to be liberated from the slavery and tyranny of pornography. Counseling helped, sometimes. Strategies also kept me clean, occasionally. But it wasn't until I saw the light of the gospel of Christ through the brokenness of my wife (2 Cor 4:7-12), followed by her active and continual willingness to bear my burdens, that I finally felt freedom. I wrote about this process here.
This post is primarily directed to the married women in the church. It will consist of both correction and admonition.
First, the correction. It has been my experience that many [if not most] wives are oblivious to their husband's struggle with pornography. I guess the assumption is that their husbands are not "one of those guys." And they may very well not be. But I can assure you of this, that they fight not to be. In an over-sexualized culture, visually stimulated men are under constant attack. To remain oblivious is the equivalent of leaving an outnumbered soldier to fight by himself in a very intense battle. It won't be long before he falls.
It has also been my experience that many wives who are aware of their husband's battle make the decision to have him deal with it on his own. There could be many reasons for this. Either women do not feel equipped to help, or they may be too hurt to help, or maybe they are to repulsed to visit the subject any further. The hope is that their husband will get over it (quickly) so that it will never come up again. While this would be nice, it is simply not reality.
For the longest time, I would have agreed with those who say that wives cannot help because they just don't understand. Not any more. It's a lie. I can think of no better person than my wife to help me. She is with me more than any other. She knows me better than any other. She loves me more than any other. And she is committed to me more than any other. Why in the world would wives not be on the front lines of this battle field? Perhaps our pseudo-mochoism has gotten in the way. Women, contrary to popular belief, are very good soldiers.
Now for the admonition. If you are a wife who is either alarmed, convicted, and/or motivated by what you have just read, here are some practical ways that you can fight for and with your husband. I also understand that wives are not immune to the pornography trap - so, husbands, this is for you too. We must fight together against a sin that, by nature, would have us die alone.
First, wives must understand that, while pornography is something that he struggles with, it is not merely his problem. In marriage two become one. There is a way in which sin is no longer addressed at his or hers, but ours. I am not saying that wives are guilty of their husband's sin. But I am saying that our spouses should never fight their sin alone. If one spouse sins, the whole family suffers. Therefore, the whole family must take responsibility and go to war.
Second, women should talk to their husbands frequently and openly about sexual sin. Walking in light is the liberating way. Often times, indulging in pornography is the result of a sequence of frustrating events. Confessing and talking about those things helps so much. The ultimate solution to pornography is not canceling the internet service, but rather confessing and discussing struggles, pains, frustrations and sorrows to someone who cares and who is prepared with the gospel.
It is so liberating to know that when I am having a rough day, I can call my wife and tell her that I am tempted to think about or look at bad things. It is during these moments when the gospel has been applied to the most wounded parts of my life. My wife has provided a marital environment that promotes walking in light, especially during times when we are tempted to run into darkness.
Third, the environment must be saturated with both justice and mercy - yes, the Cross of Christ must be center. Indulging in pornography is sin that deserves an eternity in hell. It deeply hurts those who love us and are committed to us. It communicates to women that they are unloved, un-pretty, and unfit to give us physical, emotional and sexual gratification. Pornography strikes at the very heart of our wives existence.
Wives, you should never undermine the severity of this sin, nor should your pain be ignored or suppressed. Pornography is adultery, and in a very real way gives you a judicial/biblical reason for divorce. A man needs to see and know this. He needs to see how his sin hurts others.
Wives, you should also know that this is precisely when and where mercy shines most. When a sinner does not get what he knows he deserves it humbles him. And when a sinful husband sees his wife bearing the pain of what he has done, while embracing him in love, this changes him. This shadow of the Cross changes everything. This is my testimony. I have never been the same. My wife has never been the same either.
Forth, wives should be more concerned with the "sin underneath the sin." Indulging in pornography is not the ultimate problem. It is only a symptom; and just as a symptom pales in comparison to the actual disease, so does pornography pale in comparison to the sinful heart that will not run to Christ in the gospel. Your response to his sin should not be to merely say STOP!, but rather, to ask him why he cannot stop. In other words, don't give him a stop sign, give him a Savior. Heal the heart and the symptoms will simply go away.
Finally, women must walk in light as well. As a husband should openly confess his sins to his wife, so should the wife openly confess her sins to her husband. When one spouse is not confessing sin, the other is more inclined to hide. The repentant environment in the home must flow both ways. Husbands should not be the only ones who are graced with the ability to repent and place their faith in Christ. A wife who knows the forgiveness of Christ will be more liberated to offer the same forgiveness to her husband (and vise versa; cf. Lk 7:47).
Women, this will also protect you from falling into temptation. Bearing burdens is a dangerous task when attempted by "perfect" people (cf. Gal 6:1-2). However, when sinners bear the burdens of other sinners, somehow we "fulfill the law of Christ." This is amazing grace.
My corrections and admonitions are intended to bring healing to our lives, through faith and repentance, and in obedience to Christ alone. In a world that is so enslaved to this awful sin, I believe that gospel-saturated women are vital to our victory. Women cannot remain oblivious, but must relentlessly march, armed with the gospel, into the battlfield of their husband's heart. Soon and very soon we will have no less days to sing God's praise than when we'd first begun. Wives, get your husband to heaven.
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