How Parents Can Love Their Children Through Discipline

Here are a few principles for parents in disciplining their children.  These are taken from Douglas Wilson, who states that the methods of discipline are not as important as the principles that underly the disciplinary process.  So here are some of the principles he highlights.

As we parent, our discipline must be:

Practiced by faith.  Parents must ensure that discipline in the home clings to God's promises on the subject.  As Christians, we discipline out of obedience to God, and we trust that He will bless us accordingly.

Affectionate.  This is taken directly from Hebrews 12 which states, "whom the Lord loves He chastens."  Discipline, in the biblical context, represents love, affection, and identification.  Wilson states, "A man who refuses to discipline his son is, in effect, disinheriting him."  Failure to discipline is failure to love.

Judicial as well as spiritual (Gal 6:1).  Discipline must always follow a trespass.  We discipline our children by faith in the Lord who is both loving and just.  As we look to Him in our disciplining, our children will look to Him in their repenting.

Swift (Gal 6:7; Prov 13:24).  We are also teaching our children the principle of sowing and reaping.  There are consequences to our actions.  God is faithful to respond to our obedience as well as our disobedience.  In order to teach this principle effectively, the time between sowing and reaping should be as short as possible.

Painful (Heb 12:11).  If it is not painful, it is not discipline, nor is it loving (also cf. Prov 13:24).  It must be done swiftly and must always be followed by comforting love.  Wilson adds, "A man who is incapable of lovingly encouraging his children after discipline is not qualified to exercise any discipline at all."

Followed by instruction and prayer.  If the child has any questions after being disciplined, they should be answered.  Prayer is also appropriate at this time. The Lord, who the child has ultimately disobeyed, is present and forgiving - the breach of fellowship is now gone.  The parents should also take special care to be cheerful and warm.

Effective (Heb 12:11b).  Discipline is different than punishment in that it is corrective.  It seeks a change in character and behavior.  If it is not having this effect, then it is not discipline.  Change the method, not the principle.

According to biblical standards (Mt 15:9).  The difference between house rules and God's rules should be clearly maintained.  The child must know and understand the biblical standards that constitute and command his covenantal obedience.  For example: God does not require that a child not throw a ball in the house.  But God does require children to obey their parents - this is why they must not throw a ball in the house.

Very simply, our children must understand that they must live under the Lordship of Christ in faith and obedience.  His Word is clear about how we should do this.  Scripture, therefore, should follow discipline - especially those that speak of the blessings that follow obedience to parents (Exod 20:12)!

To summarize, our aim in disciplining our children is to have them live under the gracious blessings of God.  It is the farthest thing from some dogmatic power-trip to labor with all of our might to get our children to heaven.