Promises, Promises...

I'm not sure how I got to this point. Well, I have a good idea. One of the beauties of marriage is that you are around another person all of the time. One of the "spots" on marriage is that you are around another person all of the time. It's a beauty b/c you get to know, understand, have, hold, argue with, laugh with, cry with and 'fun-around' with another image of God, which never ceases to amaze me. There are times when I just look at her and say to myself, "She is mine. I get to have her, and only her till death do us part." Marriage is a great thing.

I know, I know - I said that marriage had "spots." Allow me to explain. I don't mean that "spots" aren't ultimately a good thing. I simply mean that they are 'things' that aren't always well liked. The spots that I am referring to are those that derive from being known too well.

Yes, this is a good thing. But it is so frustrating sometimes. When you don't know someone very well, you tend to act a bit differently. You put up with their tardiness. You laugh at their bad jokes. In short, you do things that you wouldn't do if you knew them well. There is a certain amount of slack that we give others as we are getting to know them. Frankly, these days, these types of people are in our lives more than the latter. We are simply too busy to know people well (but that is for another post).

Ok - where am I going with all this? My wife knows when I make an empty promise. Why? B/c she knows me too well. If you know me, you know that I have been a bit busy lately. I am finishing up seminary, working full-time, going through the ordination process, trying to be a good daddy and a good friend. The only problem is that I could never juggle over three objects as a kid. I tried four, but every time I would drop a ball and quickly revert back to three. Katie has been the most amazing companion in all of this. She keeps me safe. She keeps me home. She keeps me from obsessing. She keeps me grounded. And she is getting tired me saying, "I promise I will be able to juggle four this time."

There was a time not long ago when it hit me that my graduation from seminary was not 'my' accomplishment. It was hers as well. When I do my work - she feels it. When I don't - she really feels it. Why? B/c my life is her life. She knows me well. She is connected to me. She wants me around.

So last night, we got into the bed. I rolled over without saying much and took the big breath before closing my eyes. Though there was silence in the room, I could hear her thinking. I could hear her struggling. I know her well too. Her breathing was not calm. She was hurting. So, I fought the urge to ignore it, and turned to her and said, "I love you." Strike one. That did nothing. No change. Then I said, "Can I give you a kiss?" Strike two. She said, "Yeah." But what she really said was, "Yeah...I guess." Then I knew. I said, "Are you alright?" I could hear the tears now.

Yesterday she called and said that she was upset about a conversation that she just had with a friend. I was in the middle of my ordination exam. In my tunnel vision, I didn't even ask about it. That hurt her. No words mean no care. Six years into marriage and I am just learning this. Wow.

So, as the tears were flowing, she said, "I know you are busy and that you can't help it. I just want to know things are gonna be different when you graduate." At this point, I am aiming to fix the tears (it's the man thing to do right?). I said, "things will be different....(and here is the bomb)...I promise." I don't know why I was so reluctant to promise. I do now.

I have promised a lot in 6 years, and I'm not so sure my batting average would help me make any little league cut. She knows that about me. She knows me well. She didn't question me last night and I guess that's why I am writing about it now. I don't think it's b/c she all the sudden trusts me; it's more than that. She is simply so desperate that she will take anything.

Now that I think about it - my promises are fickle. I confess. I wish they weren't. I am resolved now to replace my promises with prayers. History teaches me that I am incapable to bring about one single future act. But my Lord can. He loves me. And better yet, He loves my wife too. I am throwing myself at Him this morning, begging His mercy to make things different. I need humility. I need to slow down, think, pray, repent, and respond in faith. Promises, promises. She knows that the "p-word" means nothing. She's right. It doesn't. When will I understand that only His promises are "Yes, and Amen"?

There are a few 'p-words' that mean something though. Prayer. Providence. Passover (three p's are for all you presbyterians out there). Oh how I need my Lord. Please pray for me as I seek this change. I don't want to see my wife cry anymore. Not because of me. I am confident that things will change. Yes, I know that they will. Why? B/c He is faithful, and His gospel never leaves me the same way it found me.