Autonomy, Loneliness and Hope

I used to consider myself a recluse. I like to be alone. I usually say being by myself is how I refuel - its how I can "face the day." Sure, some would never consider me an introvert. Katie and I love to have company, and talk and exist in community. But there is a large part of me that likes to just sit, in my office, by myself, and stare at the wall or even a good book.

So when Katie takes the kids to the in-laws for a few days, my first instinct is to get excited. It's not because I don't like being around them (I love it), but the rarity of alone-time makes alone-time all the more coveted. I think you know what I mean.

I look forward to that day when they will pull out of the drive way and I can walk into a house where it is just me (and the dog - Tilly). Usually I have a list of to-do's for myself. Cleaning is fun. Fiddling around is also fun. But what really happens when I walk back into the house is, in reality, not so fun. :( I'll come back to this in a moment.

I am learning that my "introvertedness" can soon tip over into the selfishness category. That is, it is difficult to know whether I just want to be alone, or if I just want to do what I want to do (in a selfish sense). In other words, I wonder if sometimes I use my desire to be alone as a ploy to cover up my real desire to be autonomous. Marriage and family is a difficult thing. My buddy Orlando said to me when I got married, "Scott, your life is OVER!" Then when we had Emma, he said, "Scott, your life is really over now!" That's why I love to be around Do-man (Orlando's nickname). He says the funniest things - and often they are so true. What he was really saying was, "you have now lost your life." As Christians, we know that is really good news.

What am I trying to say? The sinful side of me desires to be autonomous. I want what I want, when I want it. And, I don't want anyone to tell me, "No." But there is a huge rub to this. The way to seemingly have this scenario is to be alone. We say, "Let me be alone! Then I can do what I want! Then I can be happy! Then I won't have someone always looking over my shoulder!" I wonder if this isn't the lie that leads many to divorce - or at least to a distaste for marriage?

How do I know it's a lie? The answer is simple. As soon as Katie and the kids leave the drive way, the excitement of being alone (and/or autonomous) is soon overshadowed by the darkest cloud of loneliness. In stead of strolling through my to-do list, whistling as I go about doing what I want to do, I find myself sitting on the bed, staring at the wall, wishing I could hear, "Daddy!" or "Scott, can you come in here for a sec?" or "Awe, will you just scratch my back for a little bit?" Suddenly, the small things that make usually make me want to be alone are the very things that I miss so much.

In short, autonomy and loneliness are far from being allies. This, no doubt, is by design. We weren't made to be alone (Gen 2:18). I am learning that those small frustrations that come from being in demand by others are often really just instances where my sin is being mortified. Sin doesn't like to die. And it will undoubtedly scream in our ears while it is being put to death.

I love my family. I love my friends. And I love it that they make it almost impossible for me to be lonely. Sure, its frustrating at times. And that's ok. But frustration is not always void of joy and satisfaction. While the old man dies, the new man thrives. This is our taste of glory. It is the down payment of our inheritance. When true Christ-like satisfaction comes to me in community, all I think about is heaven. Oh what a great day that will be! No more sin. No more frustration. No more death. And finally, no more arguments at 11:11pm!

This is our hope as Christians. And I am learning also to be careful where I place it (hope). It is not fully realized here. Sure it is "now" but it is also "not yet." My satisfaction clearly does not come from my family going on a small vacation. And may I say this to those who might be frustrated with marriage - happiness for you will not come from not being married. Final happiness, joy, satisfaction and peace will come in glory. We must not demand more from our spouse than he/she can give. Marriage is not without frustration; but it is not without joy either.

Katie and the kids are home now from New Orleans. They arrived last night. I can't think of a time when my life has been more satisfying. I do, however, need to stop writing this post in order to get to my "honey-do" list :) Isn't life grand!