Coffee is Making My Stomach Upset

It's been a few weeks since I have posted anything. I simply haven't had the time, the topic, or motivation to do so. Writing consistently, I am finding, is not something "scramblers" do well; and that is exactly what I am these days - a scrambler.

I have a to-do list a mile long that grows more than shrinks. I put off the tasks I dread most. And those tasks linger in the back of my conscience (as well as bug me in the little red circle on my iPhone!), reminding me that, not only am I a scrambler, I am a procrastinator.

I am also becoming more aware of the fact that there is no neutral existence. If we are not living, we are dying. If I am not getting stronger, I am getting weaker. If it is not being cleaned, it is getting dirty. If I am not trusting in Christ, I am trusting in myself - or something else which usually lingers in the shadow of self.

I feel like the guy who spins a dozen plates at once (or more!) for half-time entertainment. Only I am not so good at keeping all of my plates spinning. I knock some down with my scrambling. I allow others to wobble because of neglect. And I simply forget others.

Plus, I have a sinus infection.

Not only am I scattered outside, but I feel scattered inside. This makes life less than exciting. Hope is now just a religious word. Right now I feel like I am everywhere.

My life is a mess.

Often I feel alone.

But there is something that continues to nag me. A soft but strong warmth that lingers all-the-while. It is personal. Constant. Beckoning me to conversation, it seems, with the air. Invisible, but visible enough to be uncomfortable with using anything other than the word "he" to describe it. So, I will use "he".

He patiently forces me to surrender my timeline, and, to reject every pragmatic method for rest. I am losing my confidence in everything to do that which only he can do. I hate waiting, but it is all I have now.

Coffee is making my stomach upset.

There are no updates.

People aren't answering.

I can barely muster up the desire to read or write.

And so, I am here. Face to face with a God who is spirit and has not a body like men. I don't think it'll work, but I am going to spend time in prayer with this Lord. I am going to take him at his word that he will answer me. I am fully expecting to wait for his response, while at the same time trust he is here with me.

I am reminded of Eugene Peterson's words: "A sense of hurry in pastoral work disqualifies one for the work of conversation and prayer that develops relationships that meet personal needs. There are heavy demands put upon pastoral work, true; there is difficult work to be engaged in, yes. But the pastor must not be "busy." Busyness is an illness of spirit, a rush from one thing to another because there is no ballast of vocational integrity and no confidence in the primacy of grace."

Please pray with me that I will once again - day to day - find my ballast and confidence in the primacy of God's glorious grace.