Falling With The Facts: How My World Is Presently Collapsing

We are not primarily thinking beings.  There is a trap to believing this; a trap that is set by the right laws, facts, and morals; and that is sprung by our deep acceptance that the changing of one's mind will ultimately change one's life.  And so we read more than repent, we learn more about him than lean more upon him, and we are more dedicated to hearing with our ears than feeling with our hearts.

We cannot understand why the Bible just doesn't work in the heat of the moment - when the girl walks by, when the curse comes our way, and when we simply cannot make ourselves feel the way we know we are supposed to.  Our facts seem sharp when we write them down, but then sink into dullness when we attempt to take them when we are at war.

I believe in facts.  I believe in doctrine.  I love to learn, read, and argue my orthodox positions.  It is not right to abandon these things.  But it is wrong to believe that they are to remain alone - colorless, lifeless, loveless.  Weapons are no good without strength.  Laws are no good without love. And right now, I feel like a boy trying to swing Conan's sword.

I have always believed that to follow Christ is simply to learn his way and then to do it.  I was thinking one way, now I must think another way.  I was living one way, I must now live another way.  A changed mind, after everything has made reasonable sense, has been my ultimate goal. Why repent when you have a big library...

I have been forced to believe otherwise.  I have learned that, even after being well informed, I have wounded, bruised, and abandoned God's gift to me.  This education has made my ultimate goal now my ultimate condemnation. What good is the Bible when we beat people over the head with it?

Yesterday, my eyes burned because they were emptied of their tears.  I sat there with my head in my hands, leaning upon her shoulder, feeling my world collapse right before me. I have never felt so helpless.

I wanted to run and watch less than honorable things on the internet - but covenant eyes stopped me in my tracks.  I wanted to go read some apologetics - but my desire to read quickly faded.  I wanted my wife's approval - but she had already given it, and it wasn't enough.  I knew all of the right things. I understood my errors. At that time no amount of learning could fix me.

My heart, for the first time in a while, longed deeply for Jesus.  But I didn't know how to reach him, other than to simply ask my heavenly Father to help me.  At that moment, color filled my life's picture.  I felt more human as I felt the Divine add life to my heart. It was enough for me.

Nothing has been more humbling than to know what to do and how to act, but to be completely paralyzed when it matters most.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot make my heart feel something I won't.  This tall man, fell.  No, rather, this tall man is falling.  Intellectually I know it's a good thing. But it hurts. I want it over. I want to be fixed.

At the same time, however, I desire heaven more.  I have called upon my Lord more.  And quite frankly, because all other options have abandoned me, I have trusted him more.  I may be reading ten chapters of my Bible per day and thus remaining faithful to my reading plan; but without love it is utterly useless - a painful clanging in the ears of those around me.  Only his faithfulness is enough. Only Jesus can change my heart to give life to my informed (and otherwise dead) mind.