I'm All Jacked Up...But He's Not.

I have not posted anything in a few days.  I just have not wanted to.  It has been a rough week.  One of the goals of this site, as well as my life in ministry, is to live among others with honesty and transparency.  I have often said and observed that the church in America is far too clean - that is, we try hard to appear sinless to a sinful world; without struggle to a world who is barely treading the waters of reality.  Consequently, our buildings are far from being a refuge to the very people Christ means to save.

With that said, I confess I have not followed through with my commitments to honesty and transparency.  Even in confession, I confess those things that are respectable to confess.  My wife convicted me about this the other night.  When my world is dirty, I just can't handle it.  Why?  Because deep down I think I am far too clean.

Over the past month I have realized that my faith is weak.  My idols are dressed in Christian clothes, and I have loved them more than I ought.  All idols, however, die.  They fall away.  They revoke their promises.  And they leave us empty.  I was anchoring my life in things that were not Christ and I have been paying the price.  Instead of a strong husband, father and pastor, I have been a weak roommate, babysitter and employee.

My hope has also been reduced to events that could not possibly exceed this life.  As a matter of fact, the temporal reach of my hope has been less than just a few hours.  I have relied on the promise of instant gratification, temporal pleasure, and fleeting comforts of sleep, laziness, and "being able to finally do what I want to do."  Because of this, my fuse has been short, my patience almost nonexistent, and my levels of frustration extremely high.

Without faith securely in Christ, and without hope firmly fixed in glory, I have not been a loving human being.  My life has been utterly selfish.  I have only loved those who are loving in return.  I have only served those who are able to serve in return.  And as I sat in my misery yesterday, like a jacked up wimp, I understood the gospel at a deeper-than-intellectual level.  My life was rooted in the sinking sand of earthly things, and as they shifted and sank, so did I.

But Christ is so different.  His mercies truly are new every day.  He is the Rock who is firmly fixed at the right hand of God the Father.  Because He lives, He frees me to love others regardless of what they may offer me in return.  This is the distinct nature of the Christian message - that our love for others is not dependent upon whether the other is sinful or not.  Rather, our faith, hope and love are deeply rooted in the Rock of Christ who is coming again.

Even as I write this, I'm not feeling "fixed."  This is a tough season that I can't seem to master.  I feel like Jesus is sleeping in my boat.  But I trust Him.  And I trust He will keep me in His loving care until I die.  That's about all I've got right now.  And my Bible tells me that's enough.