Toy From Hell

As a pastor and father, I feel obligated to warn all parents of the evil and wicked entities of Hell.  It is with great earnestness and seriousness that I write these words to you.  Our children are at stake.  Our sanity is at stake.  Even our world as we know it is at stake.  We must do something before the toy from Hell takes us all down.

If you are a parent, you may know precisely what I am talking about.  This is no laughing matter.  The toy has invaded my home.  I am resolved to have it out.  If you aren't worried, you should be.  If you do not know what I speak of, allow me to describe this evil compilation of electronic plastic to you.

First, this toy is subtle about its sabotage.  We are not talking about a clown that watches you walk across a room.  No, that would be to obvious.  This toy is described as being "fun for all ages 6mo and up."  This is the toy everyone cheers about once it is opened.

Second, this toy has a personal vendetta against dads.  It not only goes for the children, but also the moms.  Some mommies are not fooled.  However, dads, if you try and get this thing out of the house, expect to be persecuted by the rest of the family.  The toy has long, seductive fingers that cling to the hearts of women and children.  They will soon choose sides.  If you aren't careful, you will become the bad guy.

Third, this toy is somehow related to the in-laws.  I have not figured out all of the relational ties yet - but, the clues are convincing.  The in-laws have something to do with it.  I suspect they snuck this thing in my house.  I didn't think it was possible, but all things are possible with grandma and grandpa.  Next time your in-laws are over, watch their faces as the kids "play" with the toy.  Watch the smirk develop as they wink in the toy's direction.  And I didn't even see it coming!

I also remember seeing in the news that V-Tech is run by in-laws.  This is no mere coincidence.

Forth, the toy is throw-away proof.  You can take the batteries out, turn it off, or even try and break it.  But as soon as that thing comes within a two-foot radius of the garbage can, it goes into something called "tantrum-mode."  It goes crazy!  And this craziness attracts kids and mommies, calling them to full sympathetic attention.

Fifth, the toy is doggie-proof.  Yes, I have tried the whole "leave-the-toy-in-the-floor-by-accident-trick." My dog chews everything so I figured this was my best shot.  But ALAS! I found the toy in my dog's kennel wrapped in a Snuggie.  Not a tooth mark on it.  This toy is ruthless, turning even "man's best friend" against us.

Sixth, if you make this toy mad it becomes highly dangerous.  It will find its way into your car in no obvious place.  Once you reach a maximum speed it will randomly begin playing the most aggravating music you have ever heard.  It will not stop.  I repeat, it will not stop.  I would move immediately into distraction mode if this happens.  Once the kids and mom start to sing along with the toy - your trip will soon go down hill.

If this isn't enough, it is also common for the toy to "sneak" into the baby's crib.  It will hide there, waiting...Once the baby is asleep and the house is quiet...WHAMMO!  It will go off for no reason whatsoever, filling the dark room with an array of colors and sounds, scarring the ever-living crap out of the infant.  Dad's, be on your guard at this time.  Don't play the hero too soon.  If you rush into the room too quickly and grab the toy, the baby will see YOU as the one who sent her into panic.  This is the toy's plan.

Last, this toy will place a curse on you.  This morning I felt something watching me from across the room.  It was dark.  I stopped.  After I saw nothing I made my way across the "play-area" when, out of nowhere, and for no good reason, it began laughing and chanting at me in some childish voice.  Then, it started counting!  In my rage I picked it up and was about to slam it on the ground when...It began cursing me in Spanish!!!  At least I think it was a curse.  This toy, my dear friends, is bi-lingual.  Watch out!  I suspect it uses this as a protective measure so that it can cuss us out in front of the kids without being found out.

I am humbled to say that the expertise required to have this toy out of my home is beyond my training.  I have therefore decided to go to Target (imagine me saying that with a French accent) to get Diego (Dora's brother I think).  He speaks Spanish.  He is also the only one who seems to disrupt the toys scheme.  Whenever Diego comes on the television and I hear "Go Diego, Go!" the toy begins to groan and stutter.  When this happens, the children seem agitated that something is distracting them.  This is my way out.  I'm going for it!

Pray for me - as I pray for you.  Together, we will win.  Long live Diego.